Finding A Way Through
by Ladyamesindy
Summary: Virmire took its toll on every member of the Normandy crew, but none worse than its commanding officer.


_Some time ago the muses struck me with a couple of ideas to try writing in the Mass Effect fandom. After further thought, I realized I could combine these two ideas into one Shepard story. At the same time, I was trying to decide if I was going to run a generic Jane Shepard through. Ultimately, I came up with Sian (translated from the Welsh it means Jane) who looks quite a bit like the default Jane, but with a few differences. I figured since her character is a bit AU, her story could be too._

_This story will be told in separate multiple pieces, not one continuous story. This first piece I wrote up with the intention of publishing for Ashley Williams Appreciation week on masseffectlove on tumblr, but I missed it. (day late, dollar short) But here it is._

* * *

It would take the better part of a week to return to the Citadel. Even the _Normandy_ seemed to be dragging its proverbial feet after this last mission.

After the debrief, Shepard had given them time to deal with their grief. Ashley took a day. She dug out her book of poetry, the one her father had given her and that Kaidan had listened to her recite from upon occasion. She retreated to the lounge when no one else was there, sat in the corner and drank a toast to her friend from the bottle of whiskey they'd once shared but never finished, then spent the remainder of the night (and that bottle of whiskey) honoring him as best she knew how. Recitations were involved. There also might have been an audience at one point, but who or what it had been she couldn't quite recall afterwards. For now, though, it would have to be enough. Other responsibilities stood in the way. Duty had to be seen to. A certain rogue Spectre needed to be stopped. In the end, that would be the best way to pay tribute to the man who had been both friend and brother.

Two days later, Ashley's eyes fell to the cabin door as she entered the mess. The hangover was long gone now and the need for food was greater than any residual queasiness that might still be lingering. But that door … Ash sighed. Therein lay the greatest responsibility of them all. Sian had given them a day or two to deal with things as they saw fit. Virmire had been hell in many ways, not simply because of the loss of the Lieutenant, but for the Commander, Ash knew better. _Three days._ It was time to act.

No one tried to stop her as she broke away from the evening meal crowd and approached. Most people knew of their background situation now anyway. If anyone could reach the Commander at this point, the Chief would be the one, right? For once, propriety kicked in and Ash knocked first, but she didn't wait for a response before opening the door and entering. Closing it behind her, she locked it. Just in case.

It was dark. That was predictable. Whenever Shepard had wanted to hide away, to 'deal' with life, as she called it, she had chosen dark rooms. Ash remembered all too clearly the time when she'd been thirteen, Sian had been seventeen.

_"Sian?"_

_"Go away."_

_Ash refused to be pushed away. There was a reason she was eldest. The one who stood up for her sisters. Sian had been sent to live with them and to Ash's way of thinking, that made her a sister too. Besides, being tall for her age made her less of a pushover. Entering the room, she stumbled over something on the floor - a shoe? A book? She wasn't certain which - until she was standing closer to a window where she could pull the shade and allow a little light in to filter some of the shadows._

_"I said, go away."_

_Ash snickered. "Yeah, I heard you," she retorted, "but from what I can see, hiding in the dark isn't doing much for you."_

_"What would you know about it?"_

_The little bit of light from the evening sky outside lighted the floor and Ash finally was able to see her way across the room in relative safety. She missed the edge of the bed, though, but took the hit to the shins in stride. "What's wrong?"_

_A darker than dark lump in the bed rolled away from her then muttering, "You wouldn't understand."_

_Ash sat on the corner of the bed, scooted in a bit so she could pull her knees up. "Try me," she challenged. "Someone at school say something mean to you? Was it Aaron Davis? I could knock him into next week for you if you think it would help? Clean his clock good?"_

_A pause. A hesitation. The slightest of snickers. "No, that's not it," she murmured. "Besides, you're a month too late for that."_

_Ash grinned. "I THOUGHT he looked a bit gimpy two weeks ago. Knocked him right on his ass, didn't you?"_

_Another pause. "Maybe."_

_Ash couldn't hide a grin. She still wasn't sure all the reasons Sian had been sent to live with them almost two years before, but she certainly was glad she had been. Ash had liked her from the minute she'd met her, even though Sian had been quiet and withdrawn. Since then, the older girl had become more outgoing. Rarely did she ever fall back to the completely withdrawn stage. But then again, she'd had that incident with the biotics recently. Maybe ... "Sian?"_

_A heavy sigh, but Sian rolled back to face her. Ash took it as a welcoming sign and scooted further up the bed to be beside her. _

_"I … miss my mom and dad."_

_Ash froze for a moment. It was easy to forget the main reason why Sian had come to live with them when she seemed to fit into their family so well. Scooting over so she could give the older girl a somewhat awkward hug, Ash teased lightly, "But not your older brother?" _

_The snort of amusement was mixed with a strangled sob. "Him, too," she rasped. _

_Reaching out, Ash began combing her fingers through Sian's hair, something her mother had done for her upon occasion when Ash herself would get upset. "I'm sorry."_

_A heavy sigh, but Sian seemed to be relaxing. "I know. You're so lucky, Ash," she murmured. "You have your parents, your sisters. You live in a safe place without fear of slaver raids. You'll never know that fear."_

_Ash winced. "Maybe," she replied, "but we still have to live with the crap tied in with my grandfather's decision at Shinxi. We'll never get a chance for anything better because the brass all view us as …." She paused for a moment, searching for the correct word. "Pariahs."_

_Sian nodded against Ash's touch before moving to sit up. "They're sending me away again," she murmured, finally meeting Ash's eyes even through the dark. _

_Ashley scowled. "The biotics?" she demanded._

_Sian nodded. "Yeah. They're sending me away to be fitted with an implant."_

_"And after?" _

_Sian shrugged. "I'll be eighteen in a month. I can do whatever I want then."_

_Ash felt an ache in her chest and wondered if it even came close to the pain Sian felt. It probably didn't, but it did give her an idea of how the other girl felt at times. It was not a pleasant sensation at all. "What do you want to do?"_

_Sian surprised Ash then, reaching over to grasp her hands and squeeze. "I'm going to enlist." She smiled then. "How can I not? Your folks - your dad especially - has helped me find a way through, Ash."_

_Ash blinked, surprised. "You've been living with us. You know our past. You'll likely be associated with that along the way. What if we just … hold you back? You've seen what they did to dad."_

_Sian nodded. "It's time for that to change," she whispered. _

_"Yeah?"_

_Sian nodded. "Yeah."_

"I know you're in here," Ashley called out as she stepped further into the room.

"Aren't you the smart one then," Sian countered.

Ash snorted and walked over to sit beside her sister on the bed. "Should be," she retorted good naturedly. "I found ways to put up with the likes of you for almost two years, didn't I?"

The noise Sian made then sounded like a cross between a laugh and a cough, almost like she was choking, but Ash knew what was up. Sian might not have admitted it to anyone, least of all herself or the Lieutenant, but there had been something there. And Ash knew it had been a two way street, too. Wrapping her arms around Sian, Ash hugged her tightly, hoping to offer some sort of comfort. God knew she hadn't at the end of the debrief, merely swung harsh words out in her own pain instead. "Sian -"

"I hate losing people under my command," Sian bit out harshly. "Akuze. Eden Prime. But dammit, Ash … this is more than that."

"I know, Sian. I know."

The sob that tore from her then shook them both violently. "Is it … is it possible," she gasped, "that … it feels worse than … than Mindoir?" Sian asked then.

And in that moment, Ash understood all too well just how much Sian had cared. Perhaps the Lieutenant had too. He'd never come right out and said it, but in his quiet and understated way, Ash had seen so much more there. "Much more than possible," she agreed quietly.

A long shuddering sigh rumbled through Sian then. "We weren't … I mean, we didn't …."

Ash smiled as she moved a hand to stroke through Sian's loose hair. "I know," she returned. And then with just a touch of teasing, she added, "You two were dancing around each other like high school teenagers on their first crush!"

The tears began then, rolling quickly down Sian's cheeks and Ash hugged her again. "You did everything right, Sian," she counseled softly. "Kaidan knew that, too. You know damned well that choice was what he wanted."

"Then why does it feel so wrong?" she rasped.

"Good people die in bad situations," Ash countered. "We both knew that coming into the Alliance. That's why we're here - to make the calls no one else can. And I bet if Kaidan were here, he'd be the first to tell you that you'd made the right call."

Silence hung between them for a moment as Sian sat up, swiping a hand over her face to clear the tears away. "I loved him," she whispered.

"I know."

Sian rose to her feet then, crossing the room to retrieve a fresh set of BDUs. She was just pulling the t-shirt over her head when she froze suddenly. Ash noticed and tilted her head in question. Slowly, Sian met Ash's gaze. "The people I care most about," she started slowly, "... the ones I love … they keep being taken from me …."

Ash saw immediately where Sian was heading with this and rose to her feet. "Rubbish!" she insisted as she crossed the room. Reaching out, she took Sian by her arms and shook her. "Don't go down that road, Sian."

Sian met and held Ash's gaze. "Ash, I -"

"Don't." Ash sighed and dropped her hands. The thought of something dreadful happening to one or the other of them, or perhaps even both, was a fear they both had to live with each and every day. Ash wouldn't say she was superstitious or anything, but to speak of it out loud was just courting danger, right? "You've been through hell and back in your twenty-nine years, Sian! You've seen and survived things no one else ever could. Don't you dare go down that road now. As for me? I'm tough. As tough as they come. You've seen proof of that over the years. So just stop right there. Understood?"

Sian held Ash's fierce gaze for just a moment. "Are you … pulling rank on me?" she asked.

Ash's brow quirked. "Huh. I dunno. Is it working?" she finally countered.

Sian reached out and pulled Ashley close, hugging her tight for a long moment. "Just … promise me," she said quietly as she released her. "No stupid heroics, okay?"

Ash smirked and nodded. "Well, no promises, but then again, I only go for the smart heroics, remember?" And as Sian groaned, shaking her head as she pulled her hair back and twisted it up into a regulation knot, Ash knew her sister would be just fine. It might take a bit longer to get over some of the pain, but at least Ash knew how to help her find her way through it now.


End file.
